If we don't see it, how can we change it?
12th March, 2021: 8 min read
By: Ayushi Agarwal Follow @ayushiagg17Tweet
We just passed another international women's day celebration in the past week. 👏🏻 Every year, several such discussions happen on the local news, in companies, in institutes, and worldwide organizations, where people come forward, talk over the issues of gender equity and women empowerment, discuss how much we have achieved towards these goals and the next steps that we need to take to tackle remaining issues.
This time I decided to be a part of one of the many panel discussions and debates that happened on that day, organized by IGES at IIT Delhi. Well, I have always wondered what happens after the day ends. 🤔 Do we take away something from the discussions, probably a positive change in thinking and attitude towards women and gender stereotypes, or do we celebrate, post inspirational quotes, photos and then forget about it? To my surprise, one of the panelists in this discussion, who has been an active social worker for a long time and had experience on the ground reality, also asked this question from the audience and the other panelists. That is the reason why it shocked me. Until that day, I used to find an excuse telling myself that maybe things are getting better and I don’t know about them, and maybe even a one-day discussion brings us closer to our goals.
Even though such discussions are important and should definitely involve larger participation, these are required throughout the year instead of being concentrated on one particular day in the name of a pseudo-celebratory event. Only then would the change be visible and have a faster impact, and people would not have to argue asking us to “wait for 15-20 years, only then would we be able to see significant changes in the society”. Change has to be continuous and swift. A notion of a sudden wave of change seems too far-fetched. People have tried to shut me out using this argument for the past couple of years.
It is for you to decide if you shut up or make your voice stronger.
This panel discussion was extremely energizing and interesting. It validated the importance of higher male participation in such discussions. In the audience, I was unable to find many male members apart from the organizer, one panelist, and our institute’s Director. Even the female participation was meager. This was not shocking to me since men particularly don’t find such discussions very alluring because it questions their male privileges. They sometimes find them hostile and against their interests. These discussions force us to think about what we are doing wrong, which we definitely are, and even women choose to stay ignorant out of fear or maintain their peace of mind and suffer in silence.
Some women are afraid to talk openly about these issues in their homes and workplaces, especially single women. It is often advised not to talk about such issues openly in pseudo-fear of being seen as "not traditional" and "without family values." They are constantly discouraged in fear of appearing revolting and as someone who hates men. If at all, they should be seen as independent, strong, fierce, and ready to take on a challenge.
While talking to a make friend about gender equity, he mentioned how he thinks there is no inequality and crimes against women. He asked me why I think something unfair is happening with women. On cross-questioning, he revealed that since he talks to women nicely, respects them, and treats them well, how can anything wrong be happening. This was the time when I realized how ignorant we all are, especially men. How can we be so naive to believe that if we are not doing something wrong, then there is nothing wrong happening? This was a classic case of ignorance to choose day-to-day happiness and peace of mind.
Is it the right thing to do? If we don't say it, see it, how would we change it? Will the change miraculously happen one day, on its own?
At the beginning of the discussion, our Director Prof. Rao mentioned how amongst all his female Ph.D. students, none have remained in the workforce after getting married and have settled for their families. It’s interesting how one sentence can summarize the most important issue of gender imbalance in the Indian Labour Force. He mentioned how even IIT does not have women in the top positions. We don’t see women in authoritarian positions because they are made to “choose” to leave their careers in between before reaching top authoritarian positions. Reaching such positions (be it academic or industrial) has a development curve, and one needs to stay put and work hard to reach those positions.
On the one hand, when women are put in difficult positions after marriage during family planning, tougher decisions "ought" to be taken to choose "between" family and career. On the other hand, men "don’t" or sometimes “can’t” face such situations because a man cannot choose to be a stay-at-home father and rely on his wife's income. On the one hand, a woman should not “have to” decide to choose between her family and career. On the other hand, a man should "be able to" decide to choose his family over his career if he wants to.
Men and women are raised very differently in our country. Parents have a huge role in shaping our personality, giving us values, and forming our ideals. The fact that family care is important than everything else in the whole world is sprung upon women from time to time, and it is so deeply engraved in their super-ego that it seems morally incorrect to deviate from it. Women are made to believe that it is the only way they can be happy and keep everyone happy. They are always told to choose their happiness, and choosing family over a career would give them happiness in the long term. For many of them, the thought of deviating from this is guilt-tripping and extremely horrifying, like the feeling of being damned to leave their own child in day-care to have a career. I mean, what kind of a mother would they be if they can't leave their career for their child and family?
Men are raised to be bread-earners, nothing more and nothing less than that. They are raised to believe that their care would be in the hands of a mother and then transferred to their wife after marriage. They are raised to be strong, never express feelings, never cry, and stay in bed while their sisters and mother do all the work at home. They are shamed for deviating from this. I mean, what kind of father would they be if they don't provide for their child and their family and instead stay at home to take care of them?
Another critical issue that came up during the discussion was Reservation for Women. The day I got my first internship at the most popular firm in my field, I was told by a male fellow batch-mate that I only got the job because that year, the firm had to recruit at least 2% women. It was deeply upsetting for me. I was in my early twenties, and this was the first time (thanks to my family) that I was getting exposed to gender-based stereotypes and biases. The fact that I was the topper of my batch, my merit and credibility were totally undermined by that statement. This is very common, supposedly. Almost all the girls who are striving to make a mark in their fields face such comments. Well, I was naive, so I responded to such comments defensively; however, over time, I realized how such comments reflect more on the person making them instead of me.
So, why was reservation needed in the first place? To me, it seems that our race evolved, but the roles did not evolve equivalently. We are still stuck in the gender-defined roles where women can only take care of the family. We did not evolve to accept that women can be fierce, women can lead, women can code, women can design, and women can run the world. If you assure me that your hidden biases against a woman would not interfere with her job interview or college application, yes, maybe I can debate against reservation.
If a woman is not suitable for a job, reject her today. Trust me; she can take it. But I assure you that she will come back prepared, stronger, and she wouldn't need a meager reservation to define her merit.
I appeal to all the men and women of our generation and the coming generation to think and talk about these issues with each other. A symbiotic environment is the best environment to thrive and excel in. This article was just the beginning of the many issues that we need to tackle to get there.
I close this discussion by requesting you to ask yourselves the difficult questions.
Do you reject taking dowry even though your family still believes in it? Do you do away by saying that this is how it happens in your family, and you can do nothing about it? Do you do away by saying that this much has to be done anyways by the girl's family, and later you will take care of things? Do you force your wife to leave her job after having a child by making her believe that it is the right thing to do for their child's health? Do you let your wife go through emotional violence from your family? Do you reject a woman because she is strong and independent and asks you these difficult questions because she could cause potential discomfort in your married life? Do you applaud yourself by "allowing your" wife to work? Are you willing to marry an older girl if she is a suitable life partner?
Do you shame a man for crying in public or expressing his feelings? Do you shame your husband for wanting to be a stay-at-home dad if you can run the family? Do you pamper your husband in the name of love and then complain later that he doesn't help out? Are you willing to marry a younger man if he is a suitable life partner? Do you let your husband and his family beat you like hell and never complain about them because you love them? Do you think it is your moral responsibility to choose between your family and your career?
Some interesting articles shared during the session are:
Disclaimer: Some of the content is inspired by the thoughts discussed during the panel discussion. Thanks to the panelists for such an intriguing discussion.
References:
[1]: IGES: Initiative for Gender Equity and Sensitisation
©Ayushi Agarwal